


I'm Not Who You Thought I'd Be

by jaynotjae



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Felix's Mom is a Sweetheart, M/M, The point of view is never just one person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 14:05:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17850923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaynotjae/pseuds/jaynotjae
Summary: It’s 5 am the alarm screams in the silence. It’s 5 am and Felix is slumped against a wall in a practice room he’s sure he’s not supposed to be in. It’s 5 am and Changbin is crying in a room by himself. It’s 5 am and they’re so close to each other, but yet so far.





	I'm Not Who You Thought I'd Be

It’s 5 am the alarm screams in the silence. It’s 5 am and Felix is slumped against a wall in a practice room he’s sure he’s not supposed to be in. It’s 5 am and Changbin is crying in a room by himself. It’s 5 am and they’re so close to each other, but yet so far.

It’s nearing 6 am when Felix begins to accept that he’s gone. It’s 6:38 am when Changbin starts accepts this fact as well. 7 am when they decide to pack up to leave the company. It’s 7:15 am when they run into each other. It’s been exactly 1 week and 12 hours since they were dragged from each other. It’s been 1 week and 12 hours and 1 minute since they’ve spoken.

“Hyung,” nods Felix at 7:16 am. Changbin feels a lump begin formation in his throat. It’s a few seconds later when Changbin runs off leaving Felix alone in the cold hallway. 7:17 am when Felix registers that his boyfriend, or ex they haven’t been able to discuss it, has run off. He makes it home at 7:31 am where he’s greeted by his new dorm mates. He bows at the older trainees gathered on some of the couches before rushing to the bathroom to shower. 

-

It’s 8:47 pm when Felix leaves the dorms. It’s 9 pm when he reaches the park just to the right of his new dorm building. It’s 9:23 pm and Felix is sitting on a swing practicing Korean to himself. He’ll be damned if he can’t learn this fucking language. He wants to prove to JYP that he’s capable of being an idol. If not in Stray Kids then in some new group JYP is undoubtedly planning to debut. It’s 9:36 pm when he’s joined by someone on the swings. He acknowledges the presence but doesn’t look up. He’s going to learn this damn language and he really doesn’t have the time to look up to see who has joined him. 

It’s 9:53 pm when the person clears their throat clearly trying to get Felix to acknowledge them. Felix sighs loudly and looks up. It’s 9:54 pm when he begins to cry because here’s Jeongin and holy shit he hadn’t realized how much he’s missed the maknae.

“Felix-hyung?” the maknae calls reproachfully because he’s found his ex-member on the swings here at a park. Felix takes a few breaths before responding to the maknae.

It’s 9:55 pm when he finally responds to Jeongin in a choked out "Yeah?” Felix feels pathetic crying here in a playground in front of Jeongin who he can’t call maknae anymore because he’s lost. It’s still 9:55 pm when Felix reminds himself that he wasn’t good enough and that’s why he isn’t at his old dorm laughing at the antics of his ex-members.

Jeongin sighs and begins to stand up. Felix begins to panic at 9:56 pm because he thinks Jeongin is going to leave him. He wants to scream for him to stay. He doesn’t want Jeongin to leave like he did over a week ago. Felix wants some piece of home he’s found in Korea to stay with him for a little while longer. 

Jeongin has taken a few steps and at 9:57 pm he asks whether or not Felix is going to join him or not. It’s been over a week since Felix has smiled even a slight amount. Now it’s a little past 9:57 pm and Felix is jumping out of the swing he was previously occupying. It’s 9:58 pm and this is the happiest the black-haired teenage boy has been in a long time. 

-

It’s 10:33 pm and Jeongin left over an hour ago claiming he needs air. Chan knows it’s been hard on everyone this past 8 days. Losing Minho put a strain on the group. Although they had to begin to move on so they could debut. It’s 10:36 pm and Chan remembers how broken everyone became after Felix left. If the strain wasn’t prominent in the group before then now it was. Chan remembers at 10:37 pm the fights they’ve had. Whether it’s at 3 am at night in the studio and Changbin just can’t stand how bad Chan is taking care of himself, or if it's 2:27 pm and, Jisung, Hyunjin, and Seungmin are snapping at each other again about messed up dance moves. 

It’s now 10: 41 pm and the front door to the dorms open quietly and a Jeongin appears from the other side. Chan sighed when the maknae began to walk towards the table flashing him a small smile. Jeongin sits across from Chan at 10:42 pm. 

“So, I saw Felix-hyung at the park today.”

Chan sits up a bit in his chair. He processes the news and at 10:44 pm he finally nods silently telling the maknae to go on. Jeongin smiles a bit again and he speaks on how tired his Hyung looked, on how when he found his hyung he was on a swing having a conversation with himself in Korean, or how Felix broke down on the same swing because he just missed the maknae so fucking much. He finishes speaking at 10:53 pm with a small frown. 

If Chan’s heart wasn’t heavy with regret and sadness before now it was. His heart felt as if it was slowly dropping to his feet from the heaviness. It’s 10:56 pm when Chan finally breaks down fully over the members he’s lost. It’s 10:57 pm when Chan makes it his bed with the guidance of Jeongin. Several seconds pass before he’s joined by Jeongin who cards his fingers through his hair soothing the broken leader. 

-

9 days 2 hours and 3 minutes since Changbin last held Felix and he’s starting to realize they can’t be together. 9 days 2 hours and 4 minutes when Changbin sends a text to Felix asking him to meet him at the park near the dorms. He wipes away the tears spilling from his eyes at 7:20 pm and puts on a hard expression and prepares to lose the only person he’s loved. 

-

Felix learns of the heartbreak his mom used to go on about when she referred to her previous flings at 7:39 pm at the park that's just to the right of his dorm building. Felix remembers how his mom said he’d get over the over-bearing pain he’s feeling right now. Currently, the time is 7:40 pm and he feels like he’ll never stop feeling this way. His dorm is only just under 10 minutes away but the walk feels so far. Felix wonders at 7:48 pm when he enters the dorm, how he will ever feel whole again. Call him dramatic if you must, but this is how he feels.

He doesn’t bow to the older trainees gathered on the couch this time he just walks quietly to his room wishing for privacy. It’s 9:45 pm and he doesn’t care what time it is for his mom he just really needs her right now. She answers at 9:46 pm with a soft hello and that's all it takes for Felix to start crying. 

\- 

The alarm screams into the tension-filled silence of the dorm. Jeongin quickly shuts it off before turning back to Changbin. It’s 10:02 am and Changbin is finding that the lump in his throat makes it impossible to swallow all the regret he’s feeling right now. Chan is glaring at Changbin and the rest of the members look him with a look that demands an explanation. 

At 10:04 am he gives them one. 

-

It’s 5 pm and Minho runs into Felix. He sighs in relief because he’s been looking all over for him. Felix doesn’t notice Minho right away though. He regards him with a questioning gaze before it sets in. Minho can hear Felix coming towards him before he actually feels him. It’s 5:03 pm when Minho pulls out of Felix's embrace. He smiles before getting back to the task at hand. 

He smiles and at 5:06 pm he has a confused looking Felix following him to JYP’s office. Minho hasn’t felt this happy since the day before his elimination. He knows now at 5:07 pm if he can’t at least debut with Stray Kids then he’ll do every-damn-thing to make sure he debuts with Felix. 

-

Felix walks behind Minho into the room the group is in 12 days after his elimination and smiles nervously. At Chan and then to the rest of the members. He doesn’t spend to much time looking at Changbin. Even being in the same room at 3:36 pm with him is hard. So, at 3:37 pm when Jisung grabs him and drags him as far as he can away from Changbin he doesn’t complain. He doesn’t so much as look at him until 4:53 pm when the camera crew has left. He catches the sad gaze Changbin is unintentionally sending him and quickly looks away. 

At 5:56 pm Felix makes a promise to focus on getting them all to debut as 9 before he can begin to sort out the mess between Changbin and him. 

-

It's 9 pm two days later the episode airs in Australia and Felix’s mom gathers her family on the couch. She sits close to her husband and clicks on the episode. Felix’s sisters are watching with hopeful eyes. She doesn’t have the heart to tell them their brother might not actually debut with Stray Kids. It's 9:47 pm when she’s in the kitchen getting a glass of water she hears excited squeals coming from the living room. Her heart fills with hope and she quickly rushes out of the kitchen leaving the glass of water on the counter. 

At 9:48 pm she’s met with the sight of JYP, who she scowls at even though he can’t see, and then it quickly switches to her son and there's no exact word to describe the noise that escapes her. She feels pride and relief flood through her because her son has been given another chance to debut. 

She quickly scrambles through her pockets to find her phone. She finds it at 9:50 pm and her hands are so shaky that she finally makes the call at 9:51 pm to congratulate her son. 

-  
At 9:01 am all Changbin can feel is regret. He feels regret for being foolish enough to believe that Felix was gone forever. Changbin feels regret because now he gets to watch as everyone gets to crowd either Minho or Felix. It wasn’t like he was explicitly asked to stay away. At 9:02 Changbin sighs and finally grabs the glass he came in here for. He warms up to the fact that he’s just a slight coward when it comes to things involving Felix. 

-

Woojin notices the everlasting tension between their only pair of exes at 6:57 am for the 5th time since practice has begun. He’s slowly losing his mind because God fucking damnit they’re going to be showcasing to JYP later today. He’s not going to have to witness Minho and Felix leave again. At 7:01 he’s reached his limit and is dragging them both to a corner of the dance practice room near the door. 

At 7:02 he’s met with confused glances from the pair. He also hears the relieved sighs from the other members. Woojin isn’t the only one sick and tired of this damn tension that’s only dragging the group down at the current moment. 

“Listen you two,” He starts at 7:03 am, “You’ve got exactly 10 minutes to pull yourselves together or you can kiss debuting as 9 goodbye.”

It’s 7:05 am and Woojin is walking away from the door with a satisfied smile on his face. 

-

To say Felix is nervous is an understatement. The time is 7:06 am and they have exactly 9 minutes to fix what's broken. Felix doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to act, and doesn’t even know if breathing is appropriate in this situation. He doesn’t have an exact reason for why Changbin broke up with him. So, he can’t bring up the reason behind the break-up. He has an assumption as to why he broke up with him, but realizes at 7:07 am that it might be rude to bring it up

The time is 7:08 am and Felix doesn’t expect to see his hyung crying. He also doesn’t expect the apology that follows. 

By 7:10 am he’s gotten his explanation. He’s not sure how to feel so he tells Changbin he’s not sure about his feeling yet. Changbin nods and begins to walk back towards the practice room. Only a few seconds have passed, but it feels like an eternity for Felix’s hand to reach out and grab Changbin’s arm holding him in place for a little while longer.

It’s 7:11 am and he tells Changbin that if they debut as 9 he’ll have an answer to how he feels. Felix knows this may not be enough time to fully mull over his heartbreak, but he doesn’t care currently.

(At 7:59 am Felix notices that Changbin seems to be trying harder and he smiles for a second before focusing back on the dance they’re practicing)

-

Jisung’s heart is in his throat, and at 7:36 pm the only thing keeping him from fainting is Minho tracing patterns lightly on the palm of his hand. Jisung smiles nervously at his hyung. He wants them all to debut together so bad. He knows everyone else wants it as well, but he can’t help but think at 7:38 pm that he wants it way more than the rest. 

-

Jeongin can feel the nervousness from not only the members but from anyone who passed the group. He could feel it grow as they climbed the steps to the stage. At 8:30 pm Jeongin felt it hit it’s highest. It was now or never and Jeongin silently prayed, hoped, and wished to anyone listening that they could debut as 9.

-

It was currently 5 am. The group of boys had all gone to bed. Smiles so wide you’d be worried their faces would be permanently stuck that. Although nobody's smile could outmatch Changbin’s currently. He was snuggled up with the one person that made this whole dramatic adventure worth it. It’s 5:05 am and Changbin decides that time is unimportant now because the boy with constellations scattered all over his face is pulling Changbin closer.

**Author's Note:**

> Title - Bloody Valentine by Brendon Urie
> 
> the theme i picked for this was time and well it came through. im not sure if the idea came out well but yeah.. this was also hella over dramatic but its past 5 am and ive gotten no sleep so it's probably that way due to lack of sleep
> 
> (also i made it double my word goal wtf)
> 
> [Edit] Some grammar errors were fixed on 3/24/19. Also stream Miroh you cowards


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